UPDATE: 1 year later. Hello sweet friends. It is that time of year again where we celebrate motherhood. This post is still so close to my heart. It is exactly what I want to hear during this season when the loss feels too great. Since I wrote this Mike and I have experienced another miscarriage. Our second child would have been due sometime this week actually. As I sit here 7 months pregnant with our third baby I am learning that both gratitude and sorrow can exist in the same body and not take away from the other. I am overjoyed with this little life I am carrying and I am thankful for every moment, but I still feel the loss of my first two sweet babies and that is okay.
This post is crucial because you have to know that you are allowed to be sad regardless of how much time has past and at the same time you are allowed to celebrate the little person you created that made you a mother. I pray this post brings you as much comfort as it does for me as I reread and update it a bit. I pray you know it is okay to both celebrate and mourn in the same season. I pray the you notice and rest in the closeness of the Father as He celebrates and mourns with you. I pray you have a Happy Mother's Day.
Three years ago next month Mike and I found out we were pregnant with our first child. Not too long after we found out we were miscarrying. I don’t talk about it here much because it is still a tough subject for me and there is still a lot of pain that I am working through. Around 8 months ago we lost another little one around 9 weeks into the pregnancy.
Today though I want to share my heart for all the other momma’s out there who have babies in heaven. Mother’s day can be a tough and confusing holiday because you just don’t know if your baby counts.
My answer is a confident yes. Your baby counts. You get this day.
My biggest fear after my miscarriages was that the life of my children wouldn’t matter. People say “oh don’t worry you’ll get pregnant right away” or most women lose their first baby and most don’t even notice.” I did not get pregnant right away after the first and I did notice the excruciatingly painful loss. I also lost my second. I needed my babies to count and his/her lives to matter.
Two years ago on Mother’s Day, I sat on my couch waiting for time to head out to church. Mike was already there setting up for service. I got a call from one of my sisters, Liz, which was strange for her to be calling so early. When I answered she just started sobbing which is also not like her at all. Big sister that I am, I am like, “what?! What is wrong?!”
She goes on to wish me a Happy Mother’s day. She said that she couldn't imagine losing a baby. That she has her son and it was heartbreaking to her that I didn’t have my baby. She told me that she couldn’t bear the idea that I might go through the whole day and not hear Happy Mother’s day.
One of my best friends describes that experience as both amazing and heart-wrenching. It was like God was taking my face in His gentle hands and lifting my eyes to meet His. And looking into those eyes with tears streaming down both of our faces He said, “Happy Mother’s day. Your baby counts. You feel like you’re a mom because you are a mom. You deserve this day.”
I obviously don’t know your story. I don’t know if you lost your baby during pregnancy or if you experienced the pain of infant or child loss. I don’t know if your loss was your only child or if you have others. Regardless of your circumstances, I sympathize with your pain, and I confirm it matters.
If it’s been five weeks, two years or 30, it still counts. I know this is something we just don’t talk about as a culture, but that is really a shame because there is no shame in what’s happened to us.
We Are Moms
They say dads really need to see and hold that baby to form a tight connection. I am not sure if that is true or not, I lean towards not after my sweet husband sob over the loss of our second. I do know that for a mom, the second you know that little person exists inside of you, everything changes.
Another Mother’s day quickly approaches, and I found myself with those same feelings of fear. Will anyone still care now that it is two years later? Will anyone validate the life of my child even though it was short? Will anyone acknowledge my motherhood, which will never end?
Last year I had a beautiful set of friends, a mother, and daughter, pray for Mike and I as we were leaving their home yesterday and at the end of the prayer, they prayed that I would celebrate Mother’s day because I am a mother.
It was like once again God was saying "I see you," and lifting my face yet again and telling me, “It still counts. It still matters. Your baby is yours, and you are a mother. Happy Mother’s day.”
Happy Mother’s Day
I am sorry if this post makes you emotional. I imagine I understand how my sister Liz felt two years ago. I cannot bear the idea that women who have already suffered such a significant loss might go through this day and not hear “Happy Mother’s day.”
I pray that this post would be to you what it is to me. Our great heavenly Father taking your face into His kind and gentle hands, lifting your eyes to His, and as you look into each other's tear filled eyes, I pray you hear Him say, “Your pain matters. Your loss matters. It’s not right. Your baby counts. You are a mom. You deserve this day. Happy Mother’s day, my precious girl.”
I know it hurts but I pray you celebrate this day. Do something that will honor the little life you made and be kind to yourself today. It’s allowed to hurt and you are allowed to celebrate your motherhood.
If I were there I would bring each of you breakfast in bed and listen to your story. Know our Father is there with you.
Happy Mother’s day my friend.
Feel free to reach out if you would like. There is power in your story and if you want to share with us or with me privately go right on ahead. Also, would you share this? This is a message I want every woman who has experienced this loss to hear. We shouldn't suffer alone.
Thanks for reading.
& remember, be nice to you today.
Peace and blessings to you my dear friends.